Purgatory

Brace yourself. I know that it's hard to believe coming from me, but there's going to be some cynicism in this one.

A few days ago I left this Earth. For about 8 hours I found myself in a place of untold debauchery, where humans fulfill Hobbes' theory of them; wanting only for themselves. A place filled with transients of every niche of society, where people see right through you, and display the worst fashion senses ever created (shiny leather baseball caps and those stupid furry moon-boots). A place Rod Serling would've called the Twilight Zone. A place known to me as Atlanta Hartsfield Airport.

This is where I found myself, through some fault of my own and some fault of Mother Nature, stuck in a microcosm. Airports are unique places that bring out the worst in people. No one listens. Everyone is either waiting, in a hurry, pissed off or happy. Most of all, airports are like diapers; crapped in repeatedly. How can a place with so many people be so devoid of human contact? All I wanted to do is get to Ohio to see my family. If it weren't for human contact, I wouldn't be in this situation. Eight hours. A small price to pay after nearly three weeks without them. Allow me to chronicle for you my time in Atlanta.

10:40. Arrive. Go to bathroom to rid myself of the Starbucks I drank earlier and the germs I picked up on the plane. I bet many a plague have started on planes.
10:45. Determine flight has been canceled. Time to visit ticket agent and find out what to do.
10:50. Find ticket agent and am accompanied by 2 others in my situation. Agent tells me to pick up black phone at gate D24 and follow instructions. Book myself on the next flight to Dayton, but am accompanied to D24 by another guy who stares at me with longing eyes wondering if I would book his flight too. I tell him what the ticket agent already told us and he proceeds to talk to the recording on the black phone for a few minutes, "Hello...Hello..."
11:04. Starving I roll up to the bar at Chilli's. Time for some food and beer to counteract the Starbucks from earlier. I'm going on 3 hours of sleep in the last forty-eight and I've still got a long way to go. What's that smell...?
11:05. Realize that Chilli's is situated right next to the women's bathroom. I will have to eat with bathroom gnats circling my head and toilet smell (and not that of urinal cakes either) surrounding me. Only more beer will help deaden my senses.
11:55 -2:55. Read. Find out next flight is also cancelled. Read some more. Walk half a mile to next gate A28 and next bar, ironically called Chilli's Too.
3:00. Crown and coke. Nope, make it a double. Longing for human contact, I decide to text the only three people I know.
3:25. Prayers are answered! A return text and a dude, who without me asking, informs me he is from Harrisburg, PA and proceeds to strike up a conversation. Not one who is much for small talk, I go with the tried and true airport question, "where ya headed?" To which his response is, "Harrisburg, PA!" Of course Geoff, we're in Atlanta now you moron. The alcohol must have really been kicking. Time to order another. Make it a double CC and Seven.
3:40. Harrisburg Pete's chips and bean dip arrive and he insists that I share it with him. I'm thinking, "But Pete, we've just met and sharing bean dip is like making it to second base. Besides, you're double-dipping!" I decline. This guy is really creeping me out now. Feign interest in his story, choke down my whiskey, and escape for my life.
4:00. Find out flight has been delayed until 4:55. Find bathroom to rid my kidneys of what I've just imposed on them. To my horror, see a man in his mid-fifties in tighty-whities and black socks changing by the sink. Socks in an airport bathroom. Enough said. Did I mention he was wearing...
4:55. Finally board plane and literally have the last seat, which is okay by me. I'll just get comfortable and finally fall asleep. Considering all I've been through and the ripping buzz I have, it should be no problem, save for the smell. It seems that the gentlemen next to me must have also been to Chilli's for lunch, but instead of the mushroom-Swiss burger, he must have had a dog-shit sandwich instead. I found myself wishing that I could smell that airport bathroom again.
6:40. Finally make it home. Finally real human contact from those I love. Worth every minute.