The TSA

Having just travelled, I had the unfortunate pleasure of being reminded of one of our Nation's worst ills; inefficiency. As Americans, we take the grandest technologies of mass transit and summarily run it aground. Traffic chokes our roads, we scoff at alternate means of transport, and air travel is laughable. Airlines are morally and economically bankrupt. Flights and maintenance schedules are delayed. A trip that should take 2 hours now takes six. And to whom do we owe these inefficiencies? None other than the Transportation Safety Administration.

But, you say, the TSA keeps us safe. Don't you remember 9/11? Of course I do. I am reminded of it every day. The Patriot Act, Patriot Day, random unwarranted 'Orange Alerts'.

A voice comes over the announcing system: "The current threat level as determined by the Department of Homeland Security is Orange. You are reminded to report any suspicious activities immediately." Has anything ever sounded more Orwellian?

It is true that these are scary times in which we live. And while I love and enjoy the freedoms that I have as an American, at other times and for other things, I am embarrassed. This is one of those things.

Dear TSA,

Please let me thank you for the treatment I received by your courteous and highly trained staff. Thankfully I didn't bring anything with me on this trip, so I won't have to wait too long or in too many lines. I wouldn't want to have to pay extra to have my belongings. I'll just skip right to the next line and spill my remaining belongings into the X-ray machine. Whoa, how'd that deodorant and water bottle get in my carry-on? Those could be bombs. Guess I'll buy more later. At least you let me keep my lighter, box-cutter, and switchblade.


I was also greatly relieved to find out that I'd only have to remove my shoes. I was fully prepared to take off my pants too. I guess exploding pants haven't been invented yet. I was so pleased at this that I didn't even mind getting groped either. Your gropers must be trained masseuses. The gentleman's hands were as soft as warm-buttered dinner rolls straight from the oven. Thank you for that. Our nation is safer in your professionally outfitted, minimum wage making, smoke break taking hands.


Yours very truly,
Geoff

Truth is, I don't feel any safer. The TSA is nothing more than chewed bubble gum stuck in the dam. A Band-Aid on a compound fracture. Where is my tourniquet?